“Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.” — David Ogden Stiers
During the past week, I’ve seen three films, Love Is Strange, This Is Where I Leave You, and The Skeleton Twins. What do a story about gay partners who marry after 40 years together and then lose their income and home, a family sitting Shiva after the death of their father and husband, and twins estranged for ten years who reunite after one of them attempts suicide, all have in common? What is the familiar theme? Quite simply, like David Ogden Stiers quote it’s family and, “…no one gets left behind or forgotten.”
I’m going to do my best to not reveal any spoilers, yet I want to tell you enough about the stories to entice you to see all three films. Each movie stands on its own merit and artistic theme. The first, Love Is Strange, is mainly a drama, a love story that is not so much a “ripped from the headlines” story about same-sex marriage, but a universal love story about two people who love each other and are beloved by friends and family.
The next two stories, This Is Where I Leave You, and The Skeleton Twins, both fall into the film genre which has gained popularity in recent years, that hybrid of drama and comedy, dramedy. The former weighs more heavily on comedic conventions and comic relief, while the latter is more of a poignant tragicomedy.
I’ve written a lot about chosen family in these pages, and I remain steadfast in my belief how important they are in our lives, yet many of us have nurtured both the families we’re born into and the families we make with partners and friends, those people who we can count on and call when we have a dark night of the soul; people who know our back story, so when we need their help or advice we can give them the condensed version of what’s happening or hurting us. These are the people who will show up when we need them, who have our backs. They are our posse, our best men and maids of honor.
What these films reminded me of however is that “blood is thicker than water,” that with our families of origin we share more than our experiences together and the stories of our families and oral history, we share DNA.
Sometimes we can communicate in shorthand, or without any words, by exchanging a certain look, a downturn of the head, a wink, or shrug, raised eyebrows, or a head-turn. We’re capable of telling the whole story because we share a common language, both verbal and nonverbal.
Sometimes our birth families are imperfect, sometimes dysfunctional, and as I’ve said before in other posts and essays, every family, in fact every relationship, is sometimes dysfunctional. There is no such thing as a dysfunctional family, just like there is no such thing as a normal family. There are degrees of normalcy and dysfunction in every relationship.
What our families most often provide us is a mirror of who we are, a reminder of our history, where we came from, who we can become and how far we can go in life. They can be a reality check when we need one and their feedback is often unsolicited and timely.
Our families of origin often know our authentic selves, not the known selves that we project into the world. Often the criticism or judgments of our loved ones cut deep and cause rifts. Our relationship with our parents and our siblings are often our longest relationships. And, when we’re lucky and love each other fearlessly and with open hearts and arms, learn to forgive each other our imperfections, we can learn to love unconditionally.
The common theme of all three films is that at the end of the day, and in these stories at the end of a very bad day, families are there for us. They are witnesses to our birth and maturation, present at the significant moments of our lives, and surround us and hold our hand when we die. When our loved ones precede us in death they are often still present in the memories and traditions our families’ practice. They’re not ghosts as much as they are guides.
There are scenes in all three films of families gathered together to celebrate, to mourn, and to fight the good fight with and for each other.
I know that in those times I needed someone to count on and to be there for me, to protect or nurture me, someone to challenge my stubbornness or denial because they had my best interest in mind, I can turn to my sisters or brother, seek the counsel of my mother or father, or just get a hug and be reminded that I’m loved and not alone in this world. I’m lucky and I’m grateful.
So if you’re looking for something to do see a movie matinee with a family member, or download one and watch it together at a family gathering. I recommend all three films, they’re full of life lessons and you may see yourself or someone you know portrayed in each story. If you’re estranged from someone you love, it’s my wish for you that time will heal those wounds and if you are able, forgive and move on. We can choose new families, but we can’t replace the one we’re born with and remember, “Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.”