Note: This is the ninth episode in a series of imaginary conversations with my next girlfriend.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Dear Next Girlfriend,
It’s a cloudy, grey, overcast day — the eve of the Summer Solstice. Showers moved through the area earlier as thunder rumbled and tumbled in the distance. The sun is trying to find its way through the clouds overhead, outside the window where I write. The weather matches my mood as I hope to find the partly sunny outlook or the glass half full way of thinking before the longest day of the year arrives. I’m reflective. I know I’m mixing metaphors — it’s what I do.
I’m feeling lonely today. There was a time I was afraid to admit that, as if I was somehow not enough, or I failed as a single person crafting a life of living alone.
Most days I enjoy my solitary life, and in reality, my life is full of people and an abundance of love and affection. I am grateful for what I have (the glass is half full) though I find myself today feeling partly cloudy looking at a half empty glass.
Next girlfriend, I’ve lived my relationship life as a serial monogamist. This however is the longest stretch — eight years — that I’ve gone without a primary, committed, romantic partnership. I’ve dated during this time and the experiences were mostly positive, looking back they turned out to be gauges of my readiness for relationship — and apparently, I wasn’t ready. In the past there were occasions when I stepped outside of that construct of serial monogamy to explore other possibilities, “friends with benefits,” short term affairs, or one night stands fueled by alcohol or other indulgences.
After getting sober and maturing, I retreated to a way of living that seemed, at least on the surface, safe and secure, less complicated, less risky, and less vulnerable for hurt or harm. On the flip side I can say that I’m not afraid to do the hard work an intimate relationship requires. Not only is my bookcase full of relationship self-help books — I’ve actually read them — and I’ve incorporated many of the tools and learned the lessons sometimes the second time around after some practice.
You may ask, “Why am I sharing this with you?” The answer is simple. Like most feelings, loneliness has a positive purpose, it’s to remind us that we need people; we are essentially pack animals and we thrive in a clan, a family, or our tribe. As I write, I watch a small flock of house finches dart and dance, swoop and sing their song of chirps and chatter. They are seemingly happy together.
As a person in recovery, I’ve learned that it’s dangerous to compare one’s “insides” with everyone else’s “outsides.” When I’m feeling sorry for myself, it’s easy to believe I am the only single person in a coupled world.
I begin questioning what’s wrong with me, and ask, “Why have I been unable to sustain a partnership and celebrate 20, 25, or more anniversaries with a spouse or partner.” Then I remember, I’ve made choices, or I’ve coped with the choices made by others that have impacted me, and in the end, it’s always been the right outcome.
It’s Saturday night, the eve of the Summer Solstice and I’ve decided to stay home instead of joining friends for an evening of queer theater. Tomorrow is the longest day of the year, and I’m going to practice what I’ve learned about self care and address the “T” in HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). Tomorrow, in addition to being the Summer Solstice, it’s Father’s Day, so I’ll spend the day with my family and celebrate Dad on his special day. My loneliness will be resolved by the laughter and love of my family.
Sunday, June 21, 2015 — The Summer Solstice
It’s the morning of the longest day of the year and the first official day of summer. It’s amazing how a good night’s sleep can be so restorative. My outlook is brighter this morning as the promise of a new day and a morning sun is delivered.
Summer Solstice sunrise over Stonehenge, Photo Credit: Andrew Dunn, June 21, 2005
Next Girlfriend, I’m hopeful about what’s next, this morning of this new day. Good morning sweet woman wherever you are and whatever you are doing.
Note: This is Episode 9 of the series Conversations with My Next Girlfriend, imaginary conversations with the new girlfriend I haven’t met yet, replacing the one-sided talks I was having with my ex in my head.
To read the entire 10-episode series of Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend:
Conversations w/my Next Girlfriend: Episode 1
Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend: Episode 2
Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend: Episode 3
Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend: Episode 4
Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend: Episode 5
Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend: Episode 6
Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend: Episode 7