Christmas Present and Christmas Future
“Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.” — Cheryl Strayed
This is Part II of a personal essay on the holidays. The subject of Part I was pre-holiday musings and reminiscing about childhood Christmas celebrations past. I’m grateful to my parents for their gifts to me, most importantly their love, nurturing, and support and for the delight I experienced on Christmas morning as a child when I saw the decorated tree and gift-wrapped presents.
Part II is also recognition that things change; we experience loss in our life as we age. Loved ones leave us, others die, and some traditions are more difficult to sustain. People move across country, move on from childhood to adulthood, and sometimes family members and loved ones create chasms too difficult to bridge.
Christmas Present
The gift of the season for me today in this sixth decade of my life is to acknowledge the gifts I receive everyday from friends, family, and loved ones. I’m perfectly flawed and I’m grateful for the people who love me, forgive me for my missteps, accept my amends, support me when I stumble, pick me up when I fall, and comfort me through loss and disappointment. And, as in any healthy, reciprocal relationship, I do the same for them.
The full moon is pictured through Christmas lights decorations in Skopje, Macedonia, Dec. 25, 2015. Image by REUTERS/Ognen Teofilvovski
This Christmas I was able to return to my childhood home again and share a day, a meal, and holiday traditions with my family. Our holidays are gradually evolving to adjust to the changes we each make of where we live, who we love, and how we choose to celebrate the day as each of us create our own traditions. We will not always be together in the same way as we were this holiday. I was also able to share my childhood Christmas reminiscences from Full Moon on Christmas Day: Part I with my parents which was a gift for both them and for me.
One of the gifts for me this year was I tried to listen as much as I usually talk. To quote my mother who is a recovering alcoholic like I am (and I have her permission to forgo her anonymity) she shared this saying from an AA meeting during our gathering as she laughed, “You need to take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth, talk less and listen more.”
Mom attempts to smile between the tears as she holds a wedding photo of her granddaughter, Taryn, her new husband, Bob, and Mom & Dad’s son, Rick and his wife. Nancy.
I did listen. I listened to my family members tell stories. We are very auditory family and usually there are multiple conversations happening at the same time. The challenge as a listener and participant is to plug in and out of different conversations, to respond and ask questions. We also raise our voices louder to be heard. I often laugh and think of the Saturday Night Live skits of the “Loud Family” featuring Gilda Radner and Bill Murray.
As I listened I thought it might be fun to record the conversations of our family talking during a holiday celebration. I was reminded by my brother-in-law, Ron, my sister Tami’s husband, that it might not be a good idea because often my family has the habit of talking about relatives who are not present. The recording would definitely incriminate us. Now in our defense, we are an equal opportunity “talk-behind-your-back” family. So going in, we all know our turn will come.
Dad holds a painting of a Blatz beer in his hands while a real can of Blatz sits on the table out of the camera shot.
What I heard in our conversations was our shared joy, affection and gratitude in being together. What I observed was our willingness to laugh out loud, be silly, and playful. Mom and Dad wore glittery ribbons and bows on the top of their head, we displayed broad family signature smiles, and there were no shortages of kisses, hugs, and waves goodbye as we left.
My family Christmas this year spanned two days and included Christmas Eve, which I participated in, and Christmas Day when family members who reside in our hometown of Racine, returned for day two. I spent Christmas Day back in my home base, Madison, in a darkened movie theater with some of my best friends watching a movie matinee, Joy. Yes, I had a joyful Christmas.
Here’s my mini review for those of you who might be debating whether you’d like to see this movie, or not.
Joy on Christmas and in this case I’m talking about the movie.
“Joy Mangano is an American inventor, businesswoman, and entrepreneur who started her career by creating a revolutionary mop and sold it herself on QVC with record-breaking success. This is also the story of a single mom with two kids, who supports a dysfunctional family of divorced parents including her father’s new girlfriend, ex-husband, half-sister, and a grandmother who believes Joy is destined to do anything she can dream. Film critics, mostly men, have been hard on this film, calling it uneven, one of the director and writer David O. Russel’s missteps, and a poorly told hot mess of a story. My friends and I disagree.
“Joy” Official Movie Poster
It was a delight to watch a heroine rise above the challenges that face the working class and with the support of people who love her: her grandmother, daughter, ex-husband, and best friend, she triumphs by fighting battles and adversaries along the way. If some of the men who write film reviews picked up a mop and cleaned floors, they’d appreciate this story more. Jennifer Lawrence and the entire cast was a delight to watch. See this film and judge for yourself and don’t let the critics prevent you from experiencing some joy over the holidays.”
My friends and I were not alone on Christmas Day. When most retail businesses, restaurants, and bars are closed on the holiday, the movie theater was jam-packed with families and friends. I see many films at Sundance in Madison, and I’m grateful for the venue as a Third Place, a locale to linger leisurely. After the movie, we grabbed the large overstuffed leather chairs, put them in a circle and caught up with each others’ lives. What felt comforting for me is that over the years I’ve been lucky enough to create a chosen family and we were engaging in behavior similar to my family of origin, excitedly talking and relishing in each others’ company. I’m grateful.
Christmas Future
This is the most difficult section of the Christmas story to address —the future holiday — who will be there, who will not, and how and where will we celebrate. Soon, I will have to let go of the remaining members of the generation before me. As the first-born child, I will become the family elder.
If I am humble, trusted, respected, and generous enough, I may be asked to accept the family role as matriarch. Both our maternal and paternal families were led by women. It would be both an honor and responsibility of which I hope I am able to earn.
As part of my future Christmas holiday, my chosen family will certainly continue to play an important role in my life and the traditions that we are creating together. In the past I’ve been fortunate enough to participate in The Orphan Holidays when I was estranged from my family. It is a testament to the resilience and capacity of people to create and nurture bonds of love that are reinforced by the rituals and traditions we practice, to learn to forgive, and how to let go and grieve.
Whatever is next, I’m grateful for the past and the present, and I’m hopeful about the future.
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As always, you nailed it. Thanks for your beautiful words, sis!
i ventured out yesterday to see a film too. i debated seeing “Joy” but actually saw “The Big Short.” i can’t say i have nearly the sagesse as you, dear Linda, when it comes to the cinema, but i enjoyed “Short.” in any case — if you can’t hold hands or “buss” during the flick, you might as well be analytical. this is, of course, a naughty gay man speaking, albeit an old one…. lewis
Lewis, “The Big Short” is on my must see movie list too, as well as “The Danish Girl.” I’m glad to hear you enjoyed the film and I’m grateful to have a naughty gay man and fellow writer as a friend.
I am deeply thankful for your writings. You put perfect word to many a thought. I cannot do it alone.