“Do you think people who live together can ever be completely honest?” — from Ingmar Bergman’s Scenes from a Marriage
Sometimes a series of events coalesce randomly, serendipitously. Such is the case this past month when I began watching the HBO remake of the groundbreaking relationship drama, Ingmar Bergman’s 1973 Swedish TV mini-series, Scenes from a Marriage. When it was originally released in 1973, I had been married for a couple of years to my husband, Frank. We watched the theatrical version released in theaters in the U.S. We were foreign and avant-garde film buffs. Our friend Hal, a French professor at UW – Parkside, curated the campus film society. We attended lots of films together and I learned about the art of filmmaking from Hal and I quickly became a cinephile.
Scenes from a Marriage, Ingmar Bergman’s original Swedish TV mini-series and feature film in 1973
Though our marriage was not yet in trouble, soon feminism and my infatuation with a woman coworker, Gloria, would erode the foundation of our marriage. In 1974 we moved to Madison from our home in Kenosha, so I could return to school at the University of Wisconsin. The secondary reason — and my secret — was a geographic escape so I wouldn’t act on my sexual attraction with Gloria. I made a choice to stay in my marriage — for now.
Fast forward to the present. In mid-September my ex-partner of 15 years, from 13-years-ago, Cindy, contacted me. She asked if I could look for a key to her safety deposit box. She believed she gave me one since my name was on the contract. She hoped I could find mine since she couldn’t find hers. We laughed. We were partnered before marriage was legal for same sex partners and she did not want to register as domestic partners. I took that as a sign that she was not as committed as I was.
I laughed and said, “My name on a contract for a safety deposit box is the closest we came to a legal agreement and partnership!” Cindy responded in good spirits. She requested that the credit union send her a photo of the kind of key we were looking for, then sent it to me so I could begin my search.
I didn’t realize I had so many keys from my life, both present and past, squirreled away in different locations. Other than my current set of keys for my home, car, workplace, bicycle lock, parking garage storage unit, and a key to Dad’s house in case of emergency, I had no memory of which apartments, homes, past work lives, filing cabinets, desk locks, and more, correlated to each key.
I laid them out to take a photograph to send to Cindy to let her know what I found. It became a metaphor or symbol of keys to my life. As it turned out, I never really had a commitment with Cindy, since she actually located both keys in her possession. She never gave me mine. I found the discovery to be ironic.
Later in September, another ex-partner, Laurie, from 36-years ago, who since our separation had been living in Huntsville, Alabama and most recently in Austin, Texas was returning to Wisconsin to be with her mother who was dying from Stage 4 Lung Cancer. Sadly, she died the day after Laurie arrived.
I had not seen or had contact with Laurie for many years since she left Madison. We were estranged until a few years ago when we connected on Facebook and took small steps to stay up-to-date with each other’s lives, without risking too much intimacy. When Laurie posted details for her mother’s Celebration of Life, I messaged her to check if it would be okay for me to attend. I didn’t want to make a difficult day more challenging. She said yes, and I did. We spent two hours catching up with each other. Grateful.
Recently, another ex, from almost 30 years ago, Tracy, re-entered my life with more constancy than in the past. We’ve stayed in touch over the years, yet have now committed to nurture our relationship as chosen family and schedule time in-person at least once a month, with phone calls or texts in-between.
Lastly, a few years ago, I reunited with an ex, Mary, who I was involved with after I separated from husband Frank. After not seeing each other for almost 40 years, when we saw each other for dinner, it was if it had been only yesterday. We don’t live in the same city yet we use social media to maintain a connection. Again, grateful.
Many people, especially those outside the LGBTQ+ community, ask why I have nurtured and maintained relationships with most of my ex-girlfriends, partners, and former husband. The answer is pretty simple, they are the keys to my life.
Scenes from a Marriage HBO limited-series remake
I’ve been watching the HBO limited-series, Scenes from a Marriage, and the Netflix Season 3 limited-series Masters of None: Moments in Love, depicting a lesbian relationship fashioned after the same template of Bergman’s and HBO’s Scenes from a Marriage. After reuniting with the keys to my life and their history, I decided to explore the two topics in more depth, which at first glance did not seem to have a significant connection. It reminded me of my Random Topic series, except in this case there were only two topics to parse.
Masters of None: Moments in Love
From the introduction of the first in the series of Random Topics:
“As a blogger, I mine my daily life for topics to write about. I set out to find something timely and meaningful, something that my readers can relate to, a universal message or lesson to discover in my lived experience. Another option is to choose a subject from the news of the day to comment on, however sometimes current events are tragically overwhelming.”
“I’m often left to choose from the mundane or subjects that pique my curiosity. When this happens, the only common theme is the randomness of my choices. Today, I offer three random topics with absolutely no connection or relation to each other at least that I’m aware of at the outset of this essay. Perhaps as I write, I may discover the subtle relationships that bind them together. Life is like that.”
Scenes from a Marriage: Keys to My Life
As I attempted to identify the keys, the most expedient way was to look back in a linear, historical manner at my relationships, homes, jobs, and cars from the past. The keys became symbols and metaphors of my journey. Each relationship and home were represented by a set of keys. Each breakup, caused a move and a new set of keys. Over time, I made job changes too, mostly unrelated to my relationships or homes, and the same was true of the cars I purchased and drove.
As I watched both HBO’s Scenes from a Marriage and Netflix’s Masters of None: Moments in Love, I also remembered the impact Bergman’s original series had on me while I was questioning my marriage commitment. I realized that relationship dramas, especially those of partners conducting autopsies of their lives, sometimes with the help of therapists, family, friends or their spiritual advisors, is a genre that I seek out in films and the content I stream.
Other limited-series like In Treatment and Couples Therapy, plus countless films depicting marital and romantic relationships that dissect relationships have been on my watch list, from the 1964 British film adapted from Penelope Mortimer’s novel, The Pumpkin Eater to Mike Nichols film adaptation of Edward Albee’s Whos’ Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and the recent Netflix film, Marriage Story.
As a person in recovery, I’ve attempted to take a fearless inventory of my part in the dissolution of my intimate relationships and partnerships and to make amends when I’m able. The gift in this work is I’m grateful that many of my ex-partners have become chosen family and friends and most importantly hold the keys to my life.
Related Reading from Mixed Metaphors, Oh My!
Related Videos on the Topic
Scenes from a Marriage (HBO Remake) Trailer
Scenes from a Marriage (Original Ingmar Bergman Mini-TV Series) Trailer
Masters of None: Moments in Love (Season 3) Trailer