Heard today: “I finally fell in love with my person.”
My realization: “My person, is me!”
Though the title of this Valentine’s Day holiday musing is Dispatch from the Hideout: Love in a Pandemic 2.0 it is actually the eve of the third year of the COVID-19 pandemic. Let that sink in for a moment.
Like most things in life, we can look at life from both sides now (cue the amazing Joni Mitchell). There’s pre-pandemic romantic love and our relationships with friends and family — compared to the past two years of love in a pandemic. It was a challenge and we each made an assessment — weighing the risks versus benefits — every time we made a decision of when, where, and how we’d get together in-person with friends, family, and loved ones with whom we didn’t live. When you live alone, the question became more powerful. How much isolation can my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being tolerate?
Dispatch from the Hideout: The COVID-19 Journal Project
Circling back to the end of February 2020 and the COVID-19 pandemic I was forced to spend more time in the Hideout to protect my physical health, safer-at-home, I soon discovered that the isolation also affected my mental. emotional, and spiritual health. When the Wisconsin Historical Society launched the Wisconsin Historical Society COVID-19 Journal Project, I was all in and to date, including this essay, I’ve contributed twenty installments about my experience as I shelter-in-place, plus the three musings that preceded them. When you click on the links under Dispatch from the Hideout COVID-19 Journal Series at the end of this essay, you can read the entire series, if you wish (soon to be a book).
For those new to my Dispatch from the Hideout series:
I began my Dispatch from the Hideout as a one-off essay in July 2017 to describe my reaction to events in the world and my need to retreat. I was also grieving the losses in my life, the most recent at the time was my mother’s death in 2016. I introduced the series as follows:
Now, before I go any further, it’s important that I share with you that my hideout is a virtual one. I don’t have a cabin in the woods, or a bunker in the basement, I only have my home, a 645 square foot apartment. It’s where I wake up in the morning, retreat at the end of the work day, hideout on the weekends when I’m writing or feeling introverted, and end my days, often falling asleep on the couch watching TV. Yeah, I’m that girl. I live alone and most days I’m happy with that choice.
I discovered that the Dispatch from the Hideout metaphor was a useful vehicle for me to express innermost feelings, like grief and gratitude, moments when I faced my shadow, or questioned my choices, plus the times when I reflected on the larger world of which I’m simply a member, navigating things outside of my control, yet still have an impact on my heart, mind, and spirit. The Hideout metaphor served me and soon became a series.
Looking Back to the Beginning of the Pandemic
At the end of February, 2020, I was laid-off from my job of 12 years, as a full-time Business Development Center Manager, then later at the end of my career, I transitioned to part-time as an Internet Sales & Administrative Assistant when the company reorganized. In the end, my position was eliminated, not due to performance, but staff downsizing, and my job responsibilities were distributed to other managers.
This left me at the advent of the pandemic in 2020 searching for a new, preferably, part-time job since I was already receiving Social Security due to my age. I had not planned well for retirement, so the extra income was needed, though I enjoyed working for the connection and collaboration with others. I had lived alone since 2008, so work provided a daily social activity.
I reframed the job loss as an opportunity to find work that aligned with my avocations as a lifelong volunteer and community activist. I did. I became an LGBTQ+ AODA Advocate for a community center. Grateful. The first hurdle, the community center was closed to the public because of the pandemic and I slowly transitioned to just a few hours a week beginning in May, 2020, until later in the year I worked my half-time schedule. What this meant for me is I spent a lot of time home alone due to the pandemic.
Looking Back Before the Pandemic
As a single person since 2008, in 2013, I began having imaginary conversations with my next girlfriend. I participated in a workshop (not once, but twice, apparently, I needed a refresher!), the Madison Lesbian and Queer Women’s Dating Seminar & Salon. Soon I began writing a blog series in 2013, a total of 10 installments, Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend, an exercise, preparation, or practice for dating and romantic relationships. You can click on the link following this essay to read the whole series, Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend: Episode 10.
From Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend: Episode 4, I mused about the different kinds of love as a reminder that I had both an abundance of love in my life and the ability to love whole-heartedly whether I was in a romantic relationship, or not.
The different kinds of love. Though romantic love is the focus of this holiday, it’s a good reminder for me of the four kinds of love Greek philosophers identified:
- Agape – a selfless, unconditional love, expecting nothing in return, a spiritual love.
- Eros – romantic, physical, intimate, passionate love.
- Philia –affection, give and take, between friends, family and community.
- Storge – natural affection most commonly felt by parents for offspring.
During the years leading up to the pandemic I remained single. I had crushes, I dated, and I wrote romantic poetry. I learned a lot about myself, my readiness, or not, for another committed partnership, and the biggest revelation was how much I valued and protected my solitary life.
What I’ve Learned About Love During a Pandemic
On this Valentine’s Day and the eve of the third year of the pandemic, I remain a singleton in a coupled world, though statistics show that there are many more adults who are single than one would assume. “About 50.2 percent or 124.6 million American adults are single—in 1950, that number sat around 22 percent.”
Full disclosure: I’m not in a romantic relationship, I didn’t date during the pandemic, and I currently don’t have any crushes. I have to admit however, I’ve had a very active dream life. I shall keep the objects of my affection anonymous so not to embarrass them, or myself! Some are currently in relationships and others are ex-lovers and ex-partners. Oh, my!
As I isolated during the pandemic, I continued to learn a lot about myself, including who and what is important to me and what role the different kinds of love play in my life. I also learned how to love myself, in essence, I fell in love with me.
Purple tulips I bought for myself for Valentine’s Day, and a crocheted heart from ex-partner, and chosen family member, Tracy.
What I’m most grateful for, as I made choices to protect my health, the health of friends, family, loved ones, work colleagues, and the larger community in which I live, is that though the sacrifices we made were difficult, they were worth it. In the end they were acts of love.
I would not have survived — or thrived — during the pandemic, without the love of family, friends, my Pod Squad, workmates, and members of the community who wore masks, socially-distanced, got tested when potentially exposed to the virus, and isolated at home when they were infected. I stayed connected via social media, safe visits outdoors, and phone calls, plus small gatherings indoors with my trusted Pod Squad members, ex-partners, and former lovers. I’m lucky, I’m grateful!
Hat tip to The Beatles and the song on their final album, Abbey Road, this is my takeaway from life and love during the pandemic:
“Oh yeah, alright
Are you going to be in my dreams
Tonight?
“And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make”
One last acknowledgement of the families, friends, and partners who lost loved ones during the pandemic. Wishing you solace in their memory as you grieve their death. Grief and gratitude go hand-in-hand.
COVID Memorial Wall in London
Dispatch from the Hideout COVID-19 Journal Series
(In order of most recent to oldest)
Dispatch from the Hideout: Omicron Edition
Dispatch from the Hideout: Pod Squad 2.0
Dispatch from the Hideout: Two Steps Back
Dispatch from the Hideout: My Post-Pandemic Life
Dispatch from the Hideout: Exit Strategy
Dispatch from the Hideout: A Shot in the Arm
Dispatch from the Hideout: Love in a Pandemic
Dispatch from the Hideout: The End Is Here!
Dispatch from the Hideout: Riding the Coronacoaster
Dispatch from the Hideout: Staycation Edition
Dispatch from the Hideout: Letter to Loved Ones
Dispatch from the Hideout: Quarantine Bubble Edition
Dispatch from the Hideout: What Was, What Will Be
Dispatch from the Hideout: Back to Life
Dispatch from the Hideout: Stirred Crazy
Dispatch from the Hideout: Home Alone Easter Holiday
Dispatch from the Hideout: Home Alone Edition
Dispatch from the Hideout: Pandemic Edition
Dispatch from the Hideout: Social Distancing
Additional Installments of the Dispatch from the Hideout Series
Dispatch from the Hideout: Premature Hibernation
Another Dispatch from the Hideout
Related Reading from Mixed Metaphors, Oh My!
One Is Not the Loneliest Number
Conversations w/My Next Girlfriend: Episode 10
Poetry Chapbooks from Mixed Metaphors, Oh My! (On the Subject of Love)
Additional Reading on the Subject of Pandemic Dating
‘Hardballing’ Is the First Dating Trend We’ve Heard Lately That Doesn’t Suck
Forget your valentine — friendships are your most important relationships
Each State’s Most Googled Relationship Questions
Americans less likely to have sex, partner up, and get married