“My life has not always been easy, but it’s always been worth the effort. I’ve not always possessed what I’ve wanted, but I always received what I needed, and most days it was simply the love of friends and family, and the ability to live comfortably in my own skin.” — from Dispatch from the Hideout: Letter to Loved Ones
For those who know me personally and/or read my blog or social media posts, I’m open and share freely about my personal life, some say I overshare. I write about my lived experience, often the mundane moments of everyday life, and sometimes I wax philosophically or poetically about our shared universal human experience. In essence, I’m an open book, and you choose whether to pick it up and read, or not!
On Thursday, December 8, 2022, I’m scheduled for hip-replacement surgery. Yes, I’ve been talking a lot about it in-person and on social media. I’m even tired talking about it, however, I’m grateful that if all goes well and I’m a good patient and compliant with my P.T. exercises, the quality of my life will be restored and chronic pain will diminish to a degree.
I’ve been preparing for the surgery — and yes, talking about it! — for three months, including the mental, physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual to-dos. In addition to the doctor’s appointments, I’m a list-maker and I was also assigned ‘homework’ online, from the UW Hospital TotalCare website. One of the major tasks on my personal to-do list was to finally draft all the end of life, healthcare and legal durable Power of Attorney documents, including final disposition and Living Will, plus choose who to bequeath items to from my material life, and who to select as my personal representatives to make decisions on my behalf.
As a person of a certain age, I’ve inherited material things from my aging parents, deceased sister, and gifts from friends and family. I’ve given a lot of thought to the material possessions that have meaning and sentimental value to me. And yes, you guessed, I’ve written about it. See link at the end of the essay, The Legacy of Material Things.
One bequest that means a lot to me, is my written legacy, my words, musings, and reminiscences, my journals, this blog, and poetry chapbooks. I had an emotional conversation with my 18-year-old niece, Gemma, who is a freshman at the University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee when I asked if she would be the beneficiary and steward. I’ve been a step-parent in a couple of relationships, yet not a biological parent. I wanted to hand-off the blog and my writing to someone of the next generation of my family, to someone who I trust will keep it alive and add their own stories and lived experience. Grateful.
Gemma’s mother, my sister Tami, is my legal representative and sister, Kelly, the backup. I refer to us as the Tag Team Sisters. See link at the end of this essay. Lastly, a shout out to my pre-and post-surgery care team of friends and family, and the medical team of UW East Madison Hospital.
To read more about my journey leading up to my hip-replacement, see the link at the end of this essay, Dispatch from the Hideout: Hip-a Dee-Doo-Dah!
A Note About a Letter to Loves Ones (Just in Case)
It’s not my intention to be mawkish, melodramatic, or pessimistic by sharing this letter intended to be read in the event of my death. Since I failed at writing my own obituary — who knew that was a thing? — I decided to draft a Letter to Love Ones. I consider it, like finalizing my Will and Power of Attorney documents, a kind of insurance policy. If I’m prepared, it will bring me some kind of crazy luck for the outcome of my surgery. Read the backstory here, when I originally drafted and posted the letter, followed at the end of this essay, the Letter to Loved Ones.
Death & Dying
An excerpt from my blog Mixed Metaphors, Oh My! Dispatch from the Hideout: Letter to Loved Ones from August 2020 during the height of the pandemic.
Before the pandemic changed the way we lived in community, once a month I gathered with like-minded friends, lesbian women, my contemporaries, as we explored end-of-life issues. First, we read books and articles, watched videos and Ted Talks on the subject, discussed our intentions, and explored how, what, and to whom we wanted to communicate our choices for healthcare, disposable of our bodies, and funeral services or celebrations of life. Lastly, who would make those decisions on our behalf when we were unable, and how would our material life or legacy be shared. Oh, My!
One exercise was to draft our own obituary. I failed. My attempt was more about what I did, rather than who I was in life. It was a summary of a human doing, not a human being. On my ‘to-do list before I die,’ I’ll take another stab at drafting that obituary, finish my will, and share my wishes and legal documents with my sister Tami. When I visualized the final days of my life, if I wasn’t taken out in an accident unexpectedly, and still possessed my faculties, I imagined I would have time to say my goodbyes to loved ones in-person, make any remaining amends, and yes, have a Hollywood movie ending.
The reality is that may never happen. One thing I’ve already clarified with my sister Tami is the disposition of my journals. When we first began talking about my wishes for end-of-life, Tami quickly responded that one of the first things she would do is delete my journals! “NO, I exclaimed!” She thought she was protecting me, plus family, friends, and loved ones, by destroying words or memories that may hurt people and tarnish my legacy. In fact, my words, whether collected in journals or this blog, poetry chapbooks, and books I’ve not yet written, are in fact, my most valuable legacy, the offspring of my heart and mind.
I realize now, that I may not have that opportunity to have a Hollywood ending to my life, say my goodbyes on my deathbed, finish that book, hold the hands or kiss the cheeks of loved ones. I’m not being maudlin or melodramatic, I’m simply aware that if I contract COVID-19, because of my age and underlying health conditions, I may not have the gift of saying goodbye in person. I offer this letter instead.
Letter to Loved Ones
First, if we have unfinished business, words left unsaid, or amends unmade, I’m sorry time ran out before we could complete our work. Please forgive me and know that I hold no resentments or regrets. Trust that you are loved and I’m grateful for your gifts in my life and for sharing this journey with me.
My life has not always been easy, but it’s always been worth the effort. I’ve not always possessed what I’ve wanted, but I always received what I needed, and most days it was simply the love of friends and family, and the ability to live comfortably in my own skin. The latter took work, every day, sometimes I was successful, some days not so much. Know that I did my best to live honestly, with integrity, and to acknowledge, then work, on my imperfections and shadow.
In life, I was a daughter, a sister, an aunt, co-parent, a friend, a lover, a partner, a wife, an employee, colleague, a co-conspirator, and creative collaborator. I was also a feminist, lesbian, a progressive, community activist, a recovering alcoholic, cinephile, poet and writer. I was most grateful for the love and friendship I received throughout life, the helping hand, the hug, the listening ear, the hand to hold, the passionate kisses, words of wisdom, and help when I needed it. I’m also grateful for the opportunities I had to share the same with each of you. Thank you.
In death, I’ll return to the earth, or become dust in the wind. I didn’t possess material wealth, yet my life was rich, and what legacy I leave behind in the mementos, ephemera, my words, or our shared memories, I hope they find homes with you, and that they are as precious to you as they were to me.
In my memory, make friends, make love, make babies, make art, nurture and support loved ones, ideas and values, tell stories, laugh, cry and celebrate together, lift up others when you’re able, give back as much as you take, be kind, protect our earth and democracy, live your best life. Love with an open heart.
Related Reading from Mixed Metaphors, Oh My!
Dispatch from the Hideout: Hip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah!
My thoughts are with you today, Linda. I wish for a speedy and uneventful recovery from your hip replacement surgery!
Thanks for another very informational blog article. Prayers to you for a successful hip replacement surgery December 8th.
You are a sublime human being.