Public Life: Open the Last Closet Door
“All human beings have three lives, a public life, a private life, and a secret life.” Hamill added, “A private life is by invitation only. A secret life is nobody’s business.” — Pete Hamill
“You can’t be what you can’t see.” — Martha Popp
The two quotes above express opposing viewpoints and values. Hamill’s quote speaks to the importance of delineating and protecting our three lives: public, private, and secret. Popp’s quote affirms the importance of being visible and open in the world. Both have served me.
As a survivor of childhood sexual molestation, a lesbian, and a recovering alcoholic, I’ve protected my private and secret lives until I was emotionally, mentally, and spiritually ready to open ‘a closet door,’ to reveal an experience of what happened to me, an identity, or recognition of who I am. This of course does not happen overnight. It required years of therapy, naming the trauma, overcoming denial and shame, the grief of not being able to bear children, and share secrets when I was ready. Lastly, self-forgiveness, acceptance, and healing followed. Grateful.
As a person of a certain age, it’s critically important for me to live as authentically and congruently as I’m able. My life is no longer a dress rehearsal. It’s the closing act, and will be the epilogue of my story. I want my legacy to be a person who is perfectly flawed (the title of my memoir in progress), yet lived openly, with pride, and self-love.
For that reason, I’ve decided to tell my story, a monologue or play in three acts:
- Act I: Open the Closet Door (Public Life)
- Act II: Look Inside (Private Life)
- Act III: Clean Out the Closet (Secret Life)
Opening the last closet door.
Act I: Open the Closet Door
Since this door has been closed to everyone in my public life, I want to take time to look inside, remove the cobwebs, and take an inventory. I’ve shared some of the contents of this closet with people in my private life, including intimate friends, bio and chosen family, plus trusted individuals on similar journeys. Only those people with whom I shared a committed, sexual and/or romantic partnership, learned the most personal and details of my identity, journey, and secret life.
This is a shout out to the people with whom I shared my secret life, who loved me without judgement. Your acceptance has made a difference in my life and empowered me to open this last closet door, look inside, and let go of what I no longer need or want. I’m grateful.
Today is Intersex Awareness Day.
Today, I open the ‘last closet door.’ My gender is intersex.
A simple definition: Intersex is an umbrella term that describes bodies that fall outside the strict male/female binary. I was born with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS). There are two types, complete and partial. My condition is the former (CAIS) and can be described as follows: Infants with complete androgen insensitivity syndrome appear to be female at birth, but do not have a uterus, fallopian tubes, or ovaries. Their testicles (gonads) are hidden inside the pelvis or abdomen. Breasts develop during puberty, but there is little or no pubic and armpit hair.
I will write more in Act II: Look Inside about how my condition was discovered and diagnosed, how it affected my young life and future, plus the confusion, shame, and stigma it created. As a person in my 70’s, this was not a subject that was talked about openly, even within my family of origin. Though my parents provided me the best medical care available at the time — based on what the doctors advised — we never discussed how it emotionally affected me and my parents were unprepared or reticent to answer my questions. Since it is genetically-inherited, I believe my parents struggled with their own shame and stigma.
What Is Intersex?
To read or view more, see links at the end of this essay. Here’s a simplified definition reprinted from Planned Parenthood:
Intersex is a general term used for a variety of situations in which a person is born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit the boxes of “female” or “male.” Sometimes doctors do surgeries on intersex babies and children to make their bodies fit binary ideas of “male” or “female.” Doctors always assign intersex babies a legal sex (male or female, in most states), but, just like with non-intersex people, that doesn’t mean that’s the gender identity they’ll grow up to have. This brings up questions about whether or not it’s OK to do medical procedures on children’s bodies when it’s not needed for their health.
“Every Body” is an excellent documentary profiling the lives and activism of three Intersex people.
Being intersex is a naturally occurring variation in humans, and it isn’t a medical problem — therefore, medical interventions (like surgeries or hormone therapy) on children usually aren’t medically necessary. Being intersex is also more common than most people realize. It’s hard to know exactly how many people are intersex, but estimates suggest that about 1-2 in 100 people born in the U.S. are intersex.
There are many different ways someone can be intersex. Some intersex people have genitals or internal sex organs that fall outside the male/female categories — such as a person with both ovarian and testicular tissues. Other intersex people have combinations of chromosomes that are different than XY (usually associated with male) and XX (usually associated with female), like XXY. And some people are born with external genitals that fall into the typical male/female categories, but their internal organs or hormones don’t.
“Everything in between”
If a person’s genitals look different from what doctors and nurses expect when they’re born, someone might be identified as intersex from birth. Other times, someone might not know they’re intersex until later in life, like when they go through puberty. Sometimes a person can live their whole life without ever discovering that they’re intersex.
Yellow has long been seen as an intersex color or to represent those who do not fit the binary. The purple circle represents the wholeness of the intersex community free from colors like blue and pink that are commonly seen as male and female, respectfully. — Schaller Desart, Nevada Today
Why It’s Important to be Visible
It’s often said we are as sick as our secrets. Speculation, rumors, gossip, shame, and stigma have prevented people from living openly. Fear of being judged, ‘othered,’ not accepted, or ‘less than,’ have imprisoned people in closets, often of their own choosing. This was certainly true for me. I carried the burden of being different, not a boy or a girl, and it seemed for many years that there was no one to talk to about it.
Progress Flag
A Look Ahead
In Act II: Look Inside (Private Life) I’ll share my story as a young child, born in 1950, who at the age of five, had a medical procedure which identified my condition and began a journey which changed my life. Throughout my childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood — for the most part — I was on this journey alone — navigating what it meant to be different — yet realizing it was my normal.
Hello, my name is Linda, I’m Intersex.
Related Reading & Content on Intersex Awareness
Related Reading
Intersex Awareness Day-InterAct
Viewing
Every Body (Intersex documentary)
What Do Intersex Bodies Look Like? (Part 2)
What Counts as Intersex? (Part 3)
Emily Quinn: The way we think about biological sex is wrong (TED Talk)
Intersexexperiences with Emily Quinn Intersex Explained (AIS-Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome)
What I’ve Learned About Having Balls
I’m Maria…I Happen to Like Girls. I Happen to Be Intersex
Intersex Surgeries Gonadectomy
Book Recommendations
Intersex (for lack of a better word) A memoir by Thea Hillman Between
XX and XY: Intersexuality and the Myth of Two Sexes by Gerald Callahan Popular
Born Both: An Intersex Life by Hida Viloria
Intersex Books: https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/intersex
I am so glad that you are an out and proud intersex person.
Thank you. Your support, and the work you do, has made a difference in my life and decision to live openly without shame.
Thanks so much! Looking forward to the memoir! ❤