Mixed Metaphors

In Search of a Home Away from Home & Work

“Your third place should come with a sense of ease and offer respite from the world without removing you from it altogether.” — Emily McGowan 

As I write, tomorrow is Monday and I return to work. I’m grateful. In my 7^th decade, I’m living an engaging, meaningful, and satisfying balanced life. I work half-time, Mondays-Thursdays, doing work that is a passion rather than a vocation. Work provides an opportunity to give back to my community at the same time it supports me financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Work is my ‘second place.’

I’m a morning person; grateful my mornings are spent in my ‘first place,’ my home. I live alone. I rise around 5 a.m., and my day begins with cups of coffee, logging into social media, messaging or emailing friends and family, checking things off my to-do list, and a healthy breakfast.  Most days, I accomplish a lot before I leave for work at noon.

Weeknights are spent at home, except two early evenings, when I lead recovery meetings, Tuesday, LGBTQ+ Al-Anon, Wednesday, LGBTQ+ Harm Reduction. When I do arrive at home, most nights I make dinner, or enjoy carryout food, watch guilty TV pleasures, and often fall asleep on the couch.

I’m grateful for my three-day weekends. Every Friday, I post a TGIF Update on Facebook which includes my intentions for the weekend, usually a mix of household chores, including Friday morning laundry. Most weekends I’ll cook something I can eat for a few days. I often schedule medical, dental, haircut, and other appointments on Fridays, leaving Saturday and Sunday for writing, filmgoing, the Farmer’s Market, coffee dates and brunching, or other activities with friends.

When I’m practicing spontaneity on the weekends (and yes, I need practice), I reserve some unstructured time, however I tend to default and remain at home. I’ve lived alone for 16 years, and though I’m grateful for my bio and chosen family, friends, and creative collaborators; post-pandemic I’ve not met and engaged with many new people.

I spent three years sheltering-in-place during the pandemic, including working remotely some of the time, plus more Zoom meetings, webinars, and virtual healthcare appointments than I can tolerate. I also recovered from a hip replacement and accidental fall and fracture of my arm at the shoulder. I was ready to return to the world, the community outside my first and second places and find a home away from home and work. I’m in search of a new ‘Third Place.’

What is a Third Place?

Reprinted from Wikipedia based on Ray Oldenburg’s work:

“In sociology, the third place refers to the social surroundings that are separate from the two usual social environments of home (“first place”) and the workplace (“second place”). Examples of third places include churches, cafes, bars, clubs, community centers, public gyms, bookstores, maker spaces, libraries, stoops, parks, theaters, and opera houses among others. In his book The Great Good Place (1989),  Ray Oldenburg argues that third places are important for civil society, democracy, civic engagement and establishing feelings of a sense of place.”

In his book, The Great Good Place, Oldenburg summarized his view of a third place with eight characteristics:

Neutral ground

Occupants of third places have little to no obligation to be there. They are not tied down to the area financially, politically, legally, or otherwise and are free to come and go as they please.

Leveler (a leveling place)

Third places put no importance on an individual’s status in a society. One’s socioeconomic status does not matter in a third place, allowing for a sense of commonality among its occupants. There are no prerequisites or requirements that would prevent acceptance or participation in the third place.

Conversation is the main activity

Playful and happy conversation is the main focus of activity in third places, although it is not required to be the only activity. The tone of conversation is usually light-hearted and humorous; wit and good-natured playfulness are highly valued.

Accessibility and accommodation

Third places must be open and readily accessible to those who occupy them. They must also be accommodating, meaning they provide for the wants of their inhabitants, and all occupants feel their needs have been fulfilled.

The regulars

Third places harbor a number of regulars that help give the space its tone, and help set the mood and characteristics of the area. Regulars to third places also attract newcomers, and are there to help someone new to the space feel welcome and accommodated.

A low profile

Third places are characteristically wholesome. The inside of a third place is without extravagance or grandiosity, and has a cozy feel. Third places are never snobby or pretentious, and are accepting of all types of individuals, from different walks of life.

The mood is playful

The tone of conversation in third places is never marked with tension or hostility. Instead, third places have a playful nature, where witty conversation and frivolous banter are not only common, but highly valued.

A home away from home

Occupants of third places will often have the same feelings of warmth, possession, and belonging as they would in their own homes. They feel a piece of themselves is rooted in the space, and gain spiritual regeneration by spending time there.

Virtual Third Spaces (from Wikipedia)

Since Oldenburg’s writings, there are people in the computer and internet industry that have declared that third places are observed or shifting to the virtual world or virtual third places.  This descriptive practice is easily adopted because of the similarities in characteristics found between the virtual and physical worlds.

Third Places in My Past

I realized recently that I’ve been working for 63 years, beginning as a babysitter at the age of 11 for my parents on weekends, and during summers when they both worked, plus for neighbors, and my teachers. At 16, I began working at my aunt and uncle’s diner, as a waitress, food prep, and short order cook when I worked shifts alone.

As a good student, and needing to escape my home and work, The Racine Public Library was my first Third Place. I spent hours, not only studying, but reading magazines my family couldn’t afford or subscribe to, like Architectural Digest. When I was young, I wanted to be an architect. I was also interested in biology and read science publications and photo magazines like Life.

As I turned 18 (full disclosure, 17, with a fake I.D.) I joined friends at the beer bars in Kenosha, before the drinking age became uniform in Wisconsin at 21. These were destinations where I could be with my peers outside of home and work.

After a couple of years of college, student activism, and communal living, I married. For the first few years I didn’t have a Third Place. After we moved to Madison, so I could return to the University of Wisconsin, I found my next Third Place in a community of feminist women working for NOW, the Equal Rights Movement, and Feminist Consciousness-Raising.

Soon I was surrounded by women who I was attracted to, and though I questioned my sexual orientation as a young teen, I was now ready to act on it. My husband Frank and I ‘opened’ our relationship and I had a couple of relationships with women, before we separated and finally divorced.

My new Third Places were gay bars of the late 1970s as I came out as a lesbian. My Third Place ‘home’ was Lysistrata. It was there that I not only found my community, but I found my first true Third Place. It met all my needs for a home away from home and work.

Sadly, after the fire that destroyed Lysistrata, I floundered some, yet soon with friends we discovered that The Hotel Washington and its complex of the Café Palms Restaurant, The Barber’s Closet, wine and jazz bar, Club DeWash for eclectic local music and traveling bands, and the New Bar for DJs and disco dancing met many of those needs as a Third Place with options. I even had a hairstylist in the two-seater hair salon at Hotel Washington.

Like Lysistrata, a fire destroyed the complex, and again I was without a home away from home and work. My friend, Lois Stauber, with the help of community members and a lot of sweat equity, created Apple Island on E. Washington Ave. a performance and meeting space for women. It was smoke-free. Another friend opened a small coffee, drinks, bakery, and ice cream counter inside Apple Island for the events, Dessert Hearts.

Again, when Apple Island lost its lease to the State of Wisconsin who wanted to store employee records until they could be moved to the State Archive Preservation Facility, we lost our Third Space.

In 2008, I separated from my partner of 15 years, and began living alone which I continue to do. A little over 10 years ago, I became involved in a cohousing project in Madison and was a founding board member. I worked for few years collaborating with others to create a hybrid third place, a home away from home and work, a place which would include a private home (condo) and share common spaces and responsibilities, in essence a home away from home. In the end I couldn’t afford to move into the community on Winnebago St. which became Linden Cohousing.

For several years, Sundance 608, a movie theater complex founded by Robert Redford and the Sundance Institute at the Hilldale Shopping Center became my Third Place. As a cinephile, many of the films shown there were not only box office new releases but were also independent and art films. On weekends, before the pandemic and after it became the AMC Madison 6 Theater, I would sometimes see two or three matinees during my three-day weekends. There was a great Peet’s Coffee and Refreshments Counter with lots of options for sweet and savory concessions including popcorn with real butter! The demographic of the filmgoers skewed older and quieter. It was an adult space.

There were comfortable leather living room couches and chairs, tables, and places to read the Isthmus (local independent weekly, later monthly), and visit with moviegoing friends before or after a film. One year I had birthday party at the theater, and friends reserved two rows of seats, sang Happy Birthday to me before the film, and watched the movie The Post. Afterwards, I asked the manager if we could use their event space upstairs, and we pulled tables and chairs together and discussed the movie, the essence of a Third Space. Again, the theater closed and to a degree I was homeless again.

During that time, another entrepreneur friend, Leanne Cordisco opened Chocolaterian in my Atwood neighborhood serving French-inspired chocolates, including her famous Christine’s Toffee, pastries, savory soups, sandwiches, coffee, wine, and decadent Belgian Hot Chocolate. It was my go-to place to meet friends and family, to catch up and enjoy something sweet and/or savory, meet new people from the neighborhood, and make small talk. I bought gifts for others, treats to take home, and made memories.

Like some of the Third Places before Chocolaterian, a fire ended its run at the location in my neighborhood. Fortunately, Leanne opened in a new location in Middleton, yet the building encountered problems with flooding and exhausted both Leanne’s energy and I suspect funds. Another sad day and letting go of a home away from home.

Since then, and especially during the pandemic, I was without a Third Place. I spent time in the homes (or garages) of my Pod Squad, with a small number of bio and chosen family for the occasional coffee, brunch, or dinner date, yet we collectively had no Third-Place home.

The Third Place Project

Our father died in December, the last remaining member of the generation that preceded us. With his death was the sale of the family home, the childhood home I moved into in 1955 when I was five years old. It was our parents’ first and only home where they raised their family of six kids. Without realizing it at the time, the family home was in fact, a home away from home and work. A place I could return to, feed my spirit, relive, and make, new memories. One more loss I would grieve.

I decided to return to therapy. As a person of a certain age, I was not only grieving the loss of family members, and our childhood home, I was revisiting my role as the eldest child, and grieving some of the losses of mobility and vitality after a hip-replacement and an accidental fall and fracture of my arm, and the effects of aging. My therapist, in addition to assisting me with a plan to move forward, assigned a few books to read, plus suggested I research and find a new Third Place, to meet and connect with strangers and neighbors, bring a book or journal, and spend time outside of my home and workplace.

The Criteria & Search

As a person in recovery, I preferred a coffeehouse to a bar, though I’m okay with places that offer craft beers and wine for family and friends. I wanted someplace on the eastside, near west, or central Madison, not downtown, mostly because of parking. Since my hip-replacement and after turning in my handicap parking card, parking close by became more important.

I also wanted a quieter environment since I have the beginnings of some hearing limitations and noisy environments are difficult for talking and listening to friends. I like to have the option for lighter sweet and savory food for brunch or a light lunch. Outdoor seating is a plus. Open mics for poetry and music is a bonus too.

Two candidates for coffeehouses that I like were disqualified because of noisy environments. Cargo Coffee on E. Washington Ave. and Colectivo on Monroe St. Three potential choices rose to the top (alphabetical order):

• Ancora in Maple Bluff
• Lakeside Street Coffeehouse
• Northstreet

Ancora

The location in Maple Bluff is the former Manna Café which had been a brunch destination in the past. When Ancora moved in after Manna closed, they did a bright refresh of the interior including additional seating options and maintained outside seating. They make great coffee and their food options are healthy and satisfying, both sweet and savory. Ample parking.

Lakeside St. Coffeehouse

Lakeside recently reopened after repairs and updates to their kitchen. I lived in that neighborhood for many years, and my sister Tami’s family still does. Tami formerly leased the small building next door to the coffeehouse for her jewelry storefront for the Bohemian Bauble. Lakeside offers options for seating on two floors, a lakeside deck, and grassy tree-covered, streetside tables. They also have entertainment in the evenings and serve food and wine as well as coffee, tea, and cold drinks. I usually find street parking no more than a block away.

Northstreet

From their website, “Northstreet is made up of three independent, local businesses working in concert: Cafe Domestique – serving coffee, Bloom Bake Shop serving, pastries and snacks and Young Blood Beer Company serving up craft beer.”

There are lots of options for seating, inside and out, plus choices for beverages of different kinds depending on the time of day, and sweet and savory choices for food. Street parking can be found in one or two blocks.

A bonus for Northstreet, which is on the corner of North Street and Commercial Ave. Across the street is Ogden’s North Street Diner, and kiddie corner is the Tip Top Tavern, offering additional choices for food and beverage, all of which I’d recommend.

Recent Visits

Per my therapist’s recommendation I spent a morning at Northstreet with a book. I talked to strangers. I chatted up the barista, and the lovely woman serving me my Ham and Gruyere Croissant. I talked to babies, toddlers, and their parents. I visited with an artist displaying blown glassware.

Two weeks ago, I met my writing coach and collaborator, Sarah, at Northstreet when our first choice to meet was too busy and there were no tables available. It was a working meeting. Last weekend on Saturday, I met artist and friend, Robin, at Lakeside St. Coffeehouse the day it reopened. It was bustling with positive energy and was a beautiful springs day. We spent almost three hours catching up outside under the trees.

Last week on Sunday, I met friend and actor, Brian, at Northstreet. Brian is the lead actor in my independent short film, Hotel Bar. We spent over two hours catching up with each other. I left feeling energized.

This coming Thursday, I have a coffee date with a friend Shelley at Northstreet. She graciously was willing to reschedule when I cancelled this past week during the stormy weather. I’m planning a coffee date a week from Sunday with my longtime friend Julie. We were both moviegoing and brunching friends and lost our habit of getting together during the pandemic. It looks like we may meet at Ancora.

Lastly, I’m introducing Northstreet to my former longtime partner and chosen family, Cindy, later in the month.

The Third Place Project Winner

Though I will continue to visit all the candidates and other cafes and restaurants, Northstreet is my new Third Place. It has the right eastside casual vibe, good coffee, pastries, both sweet and savory, and ample indoor and outdoor seating. Most important, it has a welcoming laidback feeling. The staff, neighbors, and customers, families, friends, and singletons don’t feel like strangers. Instead, they’re people I’m waiting to get to know. All the right criteria for a Third Place. Grateful.  

 

Related Reading from Mixed Metaphors, Oh My!

Waxing Sentimental

Memories Are Made of This

Funny, Not Funny!

A Grateful Daughter: A Father’s Day Tribute

Cohousing at Union Corners

Another Trip Around the Sun

Additional Reading on the Topic

What Is a Third Place? (And Here’s Why You Should Have One)

Third place https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

Do Yourself a Favor and Go Find Yourself a ‘Third Place’

The Benefits of Talking to Strangers

People dread this kind of interaction-but it has surprising benefits